Last week, I did not manage to post a story, as I was trying to rattle through a draft of my long-in-progress novel. (If it makes it any better, I did succeed.) This week, I am back, with a story not at all inspired by both a library tour I went on earlier this week and an incident when my phone battery died overnight and I therefore slept in late.

Oh, and I could claim it’s a Halloween edition , there’s a bit of a horror vibe in there somewhere. If you squint and really look for it. If you want more stories, you’re in luck.

All Quiet

by Nick Bryan

Everyone knows you shouldn’t talk in the library. But, it turns out, if you find a big enough library, the rules can lapse a little. And this one was so huge that you could always find a corner to have a chat.

On the third floor, north block, fifth turning, second left, there was a row of small rooms with tiny windows. Or, as Louise put it one day, ‘does this library remind you of a repurposed prison? Or is it just me?’

Anne didn’t look up from her books for a second. Yes, you could have a conversation here, but she hadn’t been right then. ‘Come again?’

‘The library. Doesn’t it remind you of a prison?’

So, Anne looked around. Tiny, rectangular room, one door, alongside a row of similar rooms. If not for the array of books on one wall, this would be a convincing cell, right down to the blackening stains. The door, though, was reassuringly cheap wood. In the event that someone did try and slam them inside, she would like to think they could kick their way out.

However, she didn’t want to have that in-depth a conversation about it with Louise. So all she said was ‘Yeah, I suppose,’ before returning to her book.

And she was still looking at her book when she woke up face down a few hours later. In fact, her lips were stuck to it, which was disgusting. Pulling herself free, she looked around. It was ten o’clock, so the library had been closed for an hour. The lights were off, it was dark and bloody Louise was nowhere to be seen.

The rickety door was closed. As her eyes adjusted to the gloom, she noticed a small note next to her hand.

‘Hi Annie, you were asleep,’ it began, helpfully, ‘so I let you rest, I’ll call you when they’re about to close so you have time to get out.’

Her trust in her friend taking a shameful ebb, she pulled out her phone. The battery was dead, as it often was. Since upgrading to a ridiculous touchscreen smartphone, Anne hadn’t quite grasped that it might need to be charged every night. So not only had this wake-up call failed to reach her, there was no easy way to call for help.

So she was alone, in a library that seemed bigger than any other building, late at night. She pulled the door open, relieved to find it wasn’t locked. Louise must have pulled it shut to make sure she wasn’t disturbed, she thought, reminding herself to give her good friend a firm slap to the head later.

However, once out in the corridor, it was cold. The heating probably went off at night, she thought. Hopefully there was a security guard, or someone to let her out. If not, surely she could sue? Because shouldn’t they check the silly little rooms for sleeping students before locking them inside?

Litigate later, she thought. Escape now. This was becoming terrifying, after all.

Would the lifts be turned on, this late? Did she know how to get out without them?

Bloody hell. Was there a light switch? How about power?

She took another tentative step down the hall. There was a crashing noise from somewhere, a few walls away, but she didn’t scream. Just because she was alone in an empty building, late at night, that was no reason to turn into a stupid teenager from a horror film. Even if she did visibly twitch instead.

So Anne rounded a corner and faced row after row of shelved books and rolling ladders. The smell of old volumes, at least, had gone nowhere. The windows were bigger here, so the darkness was less oppressive. She advanced, trying not to think bad thoughts.

Suddenly, a book leapt at her. She was sure she hadn’t imagined it.

Abandoning all her scholarly awareness of the cliché, Anne screamed like a girl. And ran. It was dark, but she saw another volume hurl itself into her path. Suddenly, she was in some kind of hallway. It was huge, but familiar.

Wasn’t the staircase around here somewhere? Her memory was hazy, but this must be the way out. A huge ladder crashed to the floor, and a spray of books rolled out towards her. Completely on reflex, Anne leapt backwards.

Unfortunately, she was closer to the stairs than she had anticipated. Seconds later, she was tumbling into freefall, shortly before knocking her head sharply on the bottom step.

The security guard had only just emerged into the hallway, so he didn’t have a great view, but that looked a lot like blood trickling out from behind her ear. Shit. Shoving those books out of their place at her didn’t seem as funny now. How was he supposed to know she’d panic like that?

Story copyright me, there’s no point in stealing it when I’ll probably let you use it for free if you email me and ask nicely. Or just post a nice link on your website/Twitter, I like those.

This week, a new story about over-reactions and animals and stuff. I like this one, so will spare you the pre-amble/excuses. Click the ‘More’-type link below to read it.

If you like this too and want some other stories, there are a few online here now, surely there must be at least one you haven’t read. Thank you to everyone who has read previous efforts and left nice comments, I do read and appreciate all.

If You Build It

By Nick Bryan

‘Careful… I said careful!’

Wilf leapt backwards, hands still pointing at the middle of his lawn.

Still kneeling down next to that very spot, his daughter Becky tutted.

In the indicated location was a bear trap, two jaws splayed apart on the floor, ready to clamp over anything that strayed into its path. It was spring loaded, razor sharp and could easily sever a man’s foot if he stood on it by accident. But both of them were so hyper-aware of its exact location that this would be impossible.

Finally, she finished playing with the mechanism, and there was a clinking sound as she let it rest. Wilf flinched, which only made her tut again.

‘Okay,’ she stood back up to join him, ‘I think we’re finished.’

The sun was beginning to set, and the trap was already nestling down, disguising itself in the grass. Overhead, a bird squawked, as if warning his friends to stay far, far away.

‘And you’re sure this isn’t an over-reaction?’

Wilf seemed unable to hold back his reservations, and Becky tried to seem reassuring rather than impatient. ‘Look, Dad, you said the seagulls keep flying in and eating the breadcrumbs from your bird-feeder, don’t they?’

‘Yes. I did try buying a cat to scare them off, but it just lies there all day waiting to be fed.’

‘So we set this trap up, with some breadcrumbs on the middle, that’ll stop them.’

Wilf remembered the breadcrumbs all too well. Becky had waited until after she’d loaded the trap to sprinkle the bait onto the centre, and he’d had to watch through his fingers, convinced it would go off any moment.

‘Couldn’t we have…’ He searched for the correct phrase. ‘Wasn’t there any simpler way than a bear trap?’

‘I had this lying around in my shed,’ Becky informed him matter-of-factly, as if that alone made it sensible. Presumably, had she found an atom bomb in there, both his garden and the seagulls would be dust by now. Wilf sighed. He knew he was old now, but he didn’t think he was so out of touch that he didn’t know when something was a stupid idea.

‘Isn’t it a bit… jagged?’ By which he meant, didn’t it appear downright evil? With huge spikes and slight rust, not to mention the way the mechanism quivered hungrily.

‘Well, it’s a cheap one. Newer models have padded edges and stuff.’

But not this one, he thought. This was a special, extra nasty edition.

‘If a seagull lands on that thing, won’t it be bitten in half?’ He nodded towards the trap, hairs floating loose across his head. ‘Or just pulped.’

‘Dad,’ she cooed, ‘didn’t you want them to stop?’

‘Yes, but not by serial murder. Can’t we install a nice scarecrow?’ He perked up visibly at this concept. ‘Scarecrows are great. I have some old clothes upstairs I could dress it in.’

‘This will be much more efficient.’

‘And you’re sure it’s not illegal?’

‘Don’t worry Dad, we’ll burn the bodies.’

‘Lovely.’ With another deep sigh from Wilf, they both began to trudge back towards the house.

‘Say,’ he added, ‘have you seen Wilson anywhere?’

‘The cat? No.’ She snorted back a laugh. ‘Can’t believe you called the cat that; one day you’ll get confused who’s who.’

‘When I’m old and senile?’ Wilf laughed. ‘Thank you, Rebecca.’

The next morning

Blearing down the stairs, Wilf rubbed his eyes. He’d been troubled by strange nightmares, monsters and other growling things that didn’t usually come to mind.

But dreams are just pictures. He lurched into the kitchen to his fridge, seizing the normal carton of orange juice. A quick sharp drink, he thought, would set him right again.

As he poured it into a nearby glass, his mind finally reminded him of the existence of that damn bear trap in his garden. And that, he realised, there could easily be a partially dissected bird in there by now. Wilf groaned.

Perhaps, he thought, he would call Becky to come over and inspect it for him. He wasn’t sure he was in the mood to peel gull goo off vicious metal teeth.

Still, he now had to rinse out his orange juice glass, and the placement of the window gave him a clear view out over the back garden. He crept up to the sink, trying not to look forwards. Finally, though, a combination of neck cramps and morbid curiosity got the better of him.

After all, he reasoned, how would he get Becky over to hose it down if he didn’t at least look?

So, screwing up his courage, he gazed out over his garden.

Lying there, amidst the morning dew, was a huge dark shadow. Not a sea gull by any stretch of the imagination; a huge, brown mass of fur. Snout, claws, eyes, it was hard to doubt any longer. No, that was a genuine bear. He didn’t think they were that common in Portsmouth.

The trap was clamped around his foot, there appeared to be a few sticky wounds down there. At that, he finally looked away, too quickly to ascertain whether the thing was alive or not.

Well, he thought sadly, this gave him an idea what had happened to the cat.

This story copyright me, as I wrote it. One day, I should build this disclaimer into my blog template so I don’t have to keep typing it out, but I always forget. Want to use it in some way? Definitely email me.

This week’s Friday story is a dubious homage to the Saw movies (none of which I have seen in their entirity). It is also another example of the decline in taste and decency that seems to take place whenever I am left to plan these on my own. So it’s not big or clever, but hopefully it is amusing. (And don’t worry, this isn’t a sequel, you haven’t missed the original “Staw”.)

Staw II

By Nick Bryan

And Luke woke up chained to the bath. In fact, he was in the tub, chained to the tap.

His feet were knocking on the far end, which made it clear that his shoes had been removed. But at least he was otherwise fully dressed, as that’d be really disturbing.

On the off-chance, he tugged at his right arm, but those handcuffs were definitely attached, clipped underneath the spout and the stupid twisting knob. Proper metal cuffs too, he wasn’t getting out without either finding a hacksaw or dismantling the bath.

Which he didn’t want to do unless absolutely necessary, because this was his bloody bathroom. He’d know that brown-stained white tiling anywhere.

‘Joe! Joe!’

He thumped his foot on the bath, to signify his annoyance. He knew what was going on here.

Sure enough, there was a crackle, a kind of static buzz, and a slightly strange monotone began. Like a robot or broken politician. ‘Luke, hello, can you hear me?’

Finally, Luke peeked over the top of the bath. Next along, as he already knew, was the toilet. The lid was closed, and sitting atop it was a cheap looking walkie-talkie. On instinct, he went for his pocket, but the mobile was gone.

With a sigh, he reached over with his free hand and seized the black box. ‘Yes Joe?’

‘Hello there, Luke. What do you think of your stag night surprise?’

‘Yeah, Joe,’ Luke lay back in the bath with some resignation, ‘I thought you might kidnap me or something, but did you… drug me?’

‘We were downstairs, do you remember? And I offered you some vodka?’

‘No, Joe, I don’t remember. My memory seems to have been damaged by the drugs you gave me.’

‘Oh. I’m sorry. This is your second wedding, I felt all this pressure to top the first stag night, so I thought…’

‘It’s fine, Joe, it’s fine,’ Luke tugged pointlessly at his chained wrist, ‘but can you unlock me so we can have some proper fun?’

‘I’m afraid not.’

Over the course of their friendship, Luke had become aware that Joe had a slightly odd sense of the appropriate. So when he’d agreed to be best man, Luke had readied himself for a disproportionate stag prank.

However, nerves were starting to flutter in his stomach. ‘Why?’

‘You need to get the key yourself. Then you can unlock the cuffs.’

‘And,’ Luke could feel his heart sinking as he uttered these words, ‘where is the key?’

‘The key is in the toilet.’

‘Is there any chance you haven’t taken a shit in said toilet?’

‘I’m afraid not. And I ate a curry beforehand.’

For a second, Luke almost considered lifting the lid of the lavatory; in fact his hand snaked out as far as the rim before being quickly retracted.

‘Look, this is insane. Get in here with some rubber gloves and fucking fish it out.’

‘I’m afraid you’ll need to hurry, Luke. Look at the flushing handle on the toilet.’

Suddenly, that crackling walkie-talkie voice carried an air of menace. Luke’s eyes travelled to the handle, and he saw a knot of thin fishing wire wrapped tightly around it. He doubted it could be unpicked if he wanted his fingers usable for the wedding.

The line then travelled downwards, around the bottom of the cistern to get the necessary downward pull, then out of the open window. Suddenly, without provocation, it quivered.

‘Joe,’ Luke began with no enthusiasm, ‘what in hell is that attached to?’

‘The wire is attached to a dog’s collar.’

‘I don’t have to have sex with it to get the wedding rings back do I?’

‘No, Luke.’ Worryingly, the best man showed no glee or emotion in unveiling his plot. ‘But I’m about to place some tasty meat in front of it. And when the dog runs for its dinner, it will cause the toilet to flush.’

‘Wait, seriously?’

‘Yes, Luke. And the flush will lose the key forever. So you had best hurry.’

Well, Luke thought, this was just fucking great. He always knew he’d regret getting Joe that complete DVD set of Saw movies for Christmas.

From outside, there was a noise best described as a plop or slap. It was quiet, but Luke thought it sounded a lot like someone throwing meat onto pavement. In case there was any doubt, Joe’s buzzing voice came back: ‘I have laid the steak. The beast is stirring.’

And he was right; the wire was trembling even more. Was that a small tug? For Christ’s sake, Luke thought, this can’t be happening. What was Joe planning to do if the key did flush away?

On that thought, Luke finally reached for the toilet. Wondering if there was a camera trained on him, perhaps streaming it on the internet, he flipped the top.

Immediately, he recoiled, as a smell assailed his nostrils, savage and fresh; clearly it had been bottling up nicely under that lid. So great was its potency that he was flung back into the bath. A batch of vomit surged up his throat, before being swallowed again; sitting in a tub of his own stomach juice was more than he could stand. He may have dribbled a little.

Swearing to make Joe pay, and trying not to breathe in, he leaned forward over the toilet again. Even without inhaling, it was pretty vile. And he hadn’t even looked inside yet, because…

He paused. And sat back down again, grabbing the walkie-talkie.

‘Joe.’

‘Yes, Luke?’

‘There’s no faeces in there. Just the key taped to the bowl and about twenty stink bombs.’

Joe didn’t exactly laugh, but there was an air of definite satisfaction. ‘Yes, Luke. Did you really think I’d make you do that?’

‘I… well… maybe.’ And Luke chuckled out loud. ‘Good effort though.’

‘Thanks. I set up the fishing wire and dog up properly though, for the authenticity.’

No sooner had those words escaped his speaker, there was a growl, a thud and the sound of a hungry dog tearing down the road. Followed immediately afterwards by the unmistakable roar of a toilet flushing.
After staring back into the bowl for a long moment, Luke gritted his teeth and raised the walkie-talkie to his face again.

‘Okay, Joe?’

‘Yes, Luke? Sorry, the dog saw a cat.’

‘The key’s gone. You should’ve used more tape.’

‘I see. Could you wait there while I get the hacksaw?’

And Luke hurled the walkie-talkie against the bathroom wall, smashing it into a hundred plastic parts.

There we go. Another week down. The above is written by me, please email me first if you want to “borrow” it or anything like that.

Hello. It’s Friday, and I thought I’d attempt another round of the short fiction. You can see my previous efforts elsewhere on the blog. No prompt this time, so I was left to my own devices and, um, the result is probably a good example of why I shouldn’t be left to my own devices.

Popped

By Nick Bryan

Lew was beginning to suspect he’d been stood up. She was half an hour late, and he’d made remarkable progress on his pint. In fact, he was fast approaching the tipping point, after which it’d bode better for Lew if she didn’t turn up.

His mobile had provided a welcome distraction, but he had to avoid rinsing the battery with stupid games. After all, she might yet contact him on it. So this left him no choice but to stare around the bar. Well, pub. Well, shithole.

It was wood-panelled, infused with the stench of wee and, most of all, it was dark. Not merely dingy, but pitch black. One didn’t so much walk across the room as feel one’s way from lamp to neon strip light. He was seated near the door, as he worried his date would never be able to find him when she arrived.

‘Waiting for someone, are we?’

‘Ummm.’  He looked around, with both a start and a finish. It was… a man, with an expensive suit and slicked-back hair. And somehow, not only had he approached Lew’s table without being noticed, he had also taken a seat and placed his drink. Tap water, oddly.

‘Because you look like you’re waiting, I think. You don’t appear to be experiencing enjoyment, so.’ Long pause. ‘Are they not coming, do you reckon?’

Maybe it was self-consciousness, but Lew could have sworn other tables were throwing nervous glances in his direction. ‘Well, something like that. I was meant to be… sorry, do you work here?’

‘Oh, no.’ The stranger straightened his jacket. ‘I’m just a regular. Want to hear a story?’

Lew was no fool; he’d watched television. When an odd man in a bar offered to tell you a story, it often ended badly. He was right next to the exit, too. But this guy was between him and it. And the staring was starting to burrow his forehead now. This person didn’t blink.

Finally, he nodded, because what harm could it do?

The suited man smiled, and it was the first non-threatening expression he’d produced. Leaning forward, though, it didn’t last.

‘So,’ he began, ‘it was probably a dark and stormy night. I was at a funfair, watching the balloons. I like balloons; do you?’

Lew nodded, beginning to wonder if he’d ever see his family again.

‘Good. So, I was staring at the balloons, really really staring at them. There were clowns and candy floss and probably some other things, it wasn’t raining because there were kids running around.’

So, it was a dark and stormy night without rain? Was he nuts or really terrible at improvising?

‘Anyway, I looked at this cluster of balloons, like I said, gazed for a while. And there was a bang, then some more, like a machine gun going off. The kids jumped and the clowns seemed concerned because it wasn’t in their script. Clowns, I find, are pretty stupid.’

Lew had never met any clowns, so didn’t feel offended. He took another sip of his pint, it was fast running out. Maybe he could offer to go to the bar, then leg it?

‘So, it occurred to me that perhaps I burst those balloons? That perhaps, like, it was some kind of a super-power. You must have seen Heroes, you know these things can happen.’

He was quickly revising his opinion of this person down towards psychopathy. How did he afford that suit?

‘So I bought some balloons and burst them in my house. It was easy, I just glared until they went bang. It took a few hours of practise, but eventually I was able to do it easily. Not just balloons, I moved on to footballs.’

The balloon-bursting man was still leaning quite far into Lew’s personal space.

‘Eventually, I thought of an application for it. It’s a hard field to get into, but yeah. Turns out, there are some who pay good money for a guy who can explode someone’s head with a hard stare.’

Expensive suits and shiny hair. Mafia chic. Lew felt his eyes widening and couldn’t seem to shrink them back to a polite size.

‘I did some CEO once, from the building across the way.’ The stranger grinned. ‘His head burst like some kind of over-ripe tomato. His PA shat herself, it was all over her blouse. The blood and the shit. Nowadays I don’t even need direct sight of the target.’

The eyes were boring into him. Lew felt a tingle in his head and hoped it wasn’t about to go pop. Not that he believed this nonsense.

‘So, with that in mind, here’s the deal.’ Finally, the man in the black suit leaned back. ‘I’ve been watching you, you don’t belong here. You’re looking down on us.’

Come to think of it, everyone in this bar seemed rather smartly dressed.

‘Give me all the money in your wallet, the nice phone too, then piss off.’ He smirked. ‘Otherwise I explode your balls.’

It seemed he had to make a decision. But all Lew could do is stare and think, oddly, about whether the girl who’d stood him up had been in on this whole thing.

‘Seriously, now.’ His tormenter was clearly having the time of his life. ‘Another minute, then I pop them like blobs of whipped cream covered in ketchup.’

That could be the most disgusting thing Lew had ever heard. And it was perhaps that which inspired him to turn out his pockets. Because, you know, better safe than sorry. Good job he’d not planned on taking that girl to a restaurant, otherwise he might’ve had more than twenty-five quid on him.

So he let the money drop to the table and put his mobile down beside it, before getting up without saying another word.

The stranger gave him a quick nod. ‘Thanks, my friend. Appreciate it.’

And Lew made it to the door, before there was a wet popping sensation around his crotch. Something slimy slipped downwards, before it was caught in the waterproof sack that was helpfully provided. A tear sprang to his eye.

‘Ah,’ the man in the suit shrugged, ‘sorry, I got curious. Be glad I only did one of them.’

Sorry about that. This story is somehow copyright Nick Bryan in 2010, don’t steal it or anything. God knows why you’d want to. If you would like to use it somehow, let me know and I’m sure we can sort it out.